Alternatives to vivisection!

1) The Vioxx Case. This drug for arthritis relief killed 6,946 people. The chimps involved were accused of fraudulent acts and, being in U.S.A., were sued for millions, They offered peanuts, but had to flee to the UK and claim asylum. However, they were convicted despite legal aid. They were offered options of 200hrs community service in Lowisham, or employment as cooks to 45 Commando, Royal Marines in Afghanistan, most choosing the latter.

2) The TGN 1412 Case – or, as the Daily Mail headlined it, "The Elephant Men". Six well-paid volunteers were given a dose of "Percy’s Painless Private Patient Pep Pills" after consultation. Meanwhile, 500x the dose was given to the chimps, without consultation (except one called Kamikaze). A solicitor from Messrs. Sue, Grabbit and Runne asked the defendant instigator of the drug (believed an American) why the scientist had the six all tested at the same time, instead of staggering the times and await any result, he said six was his lucky number and always had been.

3) I once had a dog called Lucky and perforce became interested in vivisection. He was a rescue dog, and to get him some decent biscuits I volunteered him for tests by scientists to establish any harmful effects to humans by smoking cigarettes. Forcing him to inhale tobacco fumes, they soon established it was safe, and the Government agreed. As I then smoked them a lot, I was very pleased. However, the result was a tragedy. Lucky started stealing my fags and became an expensive addict. I had to give him the boot. Despite his having an ear bitten off, one eye, and a disconcerting cough I managed to find Lucky a new home.

4) At the turn of the last century my grandfather, the bookmakers’ friend, volunteered four greyhounds to be tested with chloroform as they had been beaten up by irate impecunious bookkeepers [known in those days as turf accountants]. Great hopes were had of another series of winning runs. It killed them. C’est la vie. Thus thousands of men in the trenches of 1916 dies in agony.

5) The Terodiline Case [Micturn]. This was a huge success when given to Lucky, who had become an embarrassment by urinating, without fear or favour, on anything that looked even vaguely like a lamp-post, and included legs of any description. The vicar’s garden party was a disaster. "Huzzah", cried the scientists when a dose of the drug cured his nasty habit. It was some time before they discovered the heart problems induced in their patients were not just those induced by the doctor’s bills.

6) "Dianette" is a prescription drug. Some confusion arose on the turf accountant scenario because a race horse with the same name had, by accident, eaten a tablet of it the day of the race. I bet on it at ten to one, and it came in at half past two. I had assumed it was a wonder drug. Nobody found out. However, I believe the horse had to be destroyed. Likewise a cat I had gave symptoms of a headache, so I gave it an Aspirin. It became ill (I was uneducated). I then gave it "Dianette" and it became a sex-maniac. C’est la vie.

7) Pigs being very intelligent, but not so intelligent as dolphins, to save expenses it was decided b me to see if they could be trained to operate small road drills. It was a failure. A subsequent paper pushed out by the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine entitled "Effects of Vibration, Noise and Restraint on Heart Rate, Blood Pressure and Renal Blood Flow In The Pig" arrived too late. I did not know that pigs had a renal anyway.

8) After 1936 Leucotomies were performed on humans to minimise delusions in mental patients, some patients, and I believe some politicians tried it out on chimps first. The scientists thought they were ‘more contented’ after removal of the frontal lobes of the brain. It was only later found that the "thumbs up"sign given by the chimps was a sporadic nervous reaction to the appearance of men in white coats.

9) A ‘scientist’ proved to one author he was, after all, a very considerate and sensitive man. He had a sound-proof wall built around a room where screaming rabbits were being dipped in acid to remove fur. The noise had exceeded the decibel threshold of EU regulations, and thus upsetting his work colleagues.

10) The Grandma’s Lysol Syndrome. Scientists found that dogs die if forced to eat large quantities of soap. Clear evidence that it is unwise to eat quantities of it, however, you will probably have the cleanest intestines in town, and it must have been some consolation to the dogs.

11) In the USA, "cat burglar" took on a new meaning. Scientists found that cats were more amenable and of more scientific use than their look-alikes, the tiger. This after careful scientific analysis. However, cats kidnapped while having a catnap and sold to laboratories proved very expensive, as some cat owners found out.